Hills Recap: If She Never Met Spencer +...

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

THE HOLLYWOOD GOSSIP NOTE: Last week we implemented a new format for our recaps of The Hills. After a brief rundown of events, our staff grades each episode, awarding (or deducting) points for the best and worst moments.

Last night, Holly Montag continued to act as the go-between / peacemaker between Lauren and Heidi for some reason. Spencer Pratt finds out and is far from thrilled. Audrina dates a new guy, Colin, while going back and forth on Justin-Bobby.

On to the rankings!

Colin is "the happiest drunk." This is a selling point. Plus 2.

Audrina starts off date No. 2 with Colin by talking about Justin-Bobby. She says they're not boyfriend-girlfriend, but he's what's holding her back. Minus 5. Way to come off looking strong, confident and not pathetic at all, Auds.

The priceless reaction of Justin-Bobby to Audrina's date with Colin: "He went so far that he's not here. Ha ha." We don't even know what that means, which is pretty standard with him, and he's a consistent d-bag at least. Plus 5.

Chiara is totally the new Elodie - a co-worker of a Hills star designed to feed them forced dialogue. Elodie was kind of a bitch and more interesting, though. Minus 1.

Once again, the months-long lag behind real life - and the stars being real-life celebs - detracts from the show. We all know this Colin dude has no shot and have already moved on to Audrina Patridge and Josh Christopher rumors. Minus 8.

Too little of her, but we heart Whitney as always? Plus 2.

A stunningly concerned Holly Montag misleads Heidi into thinking she has a chance at getting back in Lauren's good graces and encourages her to write a letter. "[Lauren] knows who you are, she knows your heart ... maybe she needs to be reminded." Barf. Why does she even care? What contrived nonsense. Minus 7.

Lauren Conrad ponders aloud: "Like, where do you think we'd all be if Heidi never met Spencer?" Seems obvious to fans, but you can actually picture LC having this sudden, philosophical revelation. In a bikini by the pool of course. Plus 4.

What, no Doug Reinhardt? We were getting used to that guy. Minus 2.

Totally wishy-washy with feelings and alternately sweet and catty, Lauren is a typical 22-year-old in many ways. Plus 4. And Plus 1 more for a typical twenty-something reference to the bygone "good old days" which in reality are like a year ago.

Despite her thinly-veiled efforts to link Heidi and Holly Montag, Lo didn't strike us as passive-aggressive or miserable enough tonight. Minus 2.

Perhaps the best thing about this episode's title, If She Never Met Spencer, are the real life implications of that same what-if. Face it, without Spencer Pratt, this show - and the celebrity gossip universe - would be far worse off. Plus 10.

Heidi writes a letter instead of emailing or texting LC. Plus 2 because letters are supposedly more sincere, but Minus 5 because she only did it to look sincere.

Spencer decides to weigh in: "I think it's great that you guys aren't friends. It's a win-win. If it's [Heidi's] fault or my fault, it's great that you do not have her in your life." A win-win! He's totally keeping score just like we are. Plus 3.

TOTAL: +3. Not the best episode of The Hills, although it had its moments. The Holly nonsense might have been condensed, especially since we all know the outcome.